The taboo subject. Gender Disappointment.
Gender disappointment. There are people out there who hear those words and literally roll their eyes. However, I am here to say, gender disappointment is a very real problem. For some people, gender disappointment is the heartbreak of their lives.
For me, it has finally come. I have been so incredibly blessed beyond measure. I have not had the easiest roads in life, but then again- who has? Things have been hard, I've had to work hard, and fight for my beliefs and for my family. I had three sons by the time I was barely 23 years old. With each addition I was elated to be a mom. I longed for a daughter, but I knew I had time. One failed marriage later I wasn't sure I would ever have more children. For a few years I started to wonder if I was destined to be alone, I started to seriously doubt that the person I sought was actually out there, I started to think my desires were too far fetched. That he didn't exist. I focused on being a strong independent mother to three sons. I got myself into school and made it a priority to better myself and be a good example to them. I found the church, and made HUGE life changes, and right around the time that I felt like the best version of me, striving hard for my family, I met him. He changed my life in so many ways, and I couldn't imagine life without him. My husband is the person I was searching for, that I thought I would never find. He was every expectation that I was told was not attainable, and we were meant to find each other. I hadn't put much thought into the children we would have together, I just knew we wanted to wait until I was graduated from school before having them. Those might have been OUR plans, but those weren't the plans FOR us. In November we were joined by my fourth son. When I learned he was a boy, there was a smile on my face. There was no surprise, there was no sadness. He may have been my fourth, but he was Jason's first child biologically, and although he didn't have a preference, I was glad for him that he had a son. Declan tied our "mixed" family together. When I look at him, I see each of us reflected back. I see features of each of his big brothers, I see Jason's outgoing personality and expressions, and I see my eyes staring back at me. He is all of us. With him in our lives, I felt content. I have always had a certain number of children I felt I would have, and I was not yet to that number, so the thought of a daughter was completely out of my mind.
Then came a surprise on the 2nd of March. Declan was only 3.5 months old. I was suddenly very weapy. I wasn't feeling well. I was exhausted again. Impossible. Right? I went to the store for a test, and knew it would be negative. It was all in my head. There was no way I was pregnant again. Got home and took it, that line showed up so fast. Took a digital, a few minutes later the screen displayed "pregnant". My head was spinning. We were going to have ANOTHER baby. We had been married just less about 13 months, and we were already pregnant with our second. How could this be? Eventually the shock subsided (slightly) and I began to accept it. My first ultrasound revealed my due date as Declan's first birthday. All I could do was laugh. What else can a girl do?
This is has been my quickest pregnancy. It's a blur already. I have never been so sick in my life, so I've literally gained only two pounds at nearly the half way point. With my other pregnancies I gained 15 pounds in the first trimester alone, easily over 20 at this stage in the game. I got sick with Declan, but with the other boys it was just mild nausea and occasional vomiting a few times, it was completely gone by 12 weeks with all of them though. This pregnancy I spend 3-4 days a week nauseous beyond belief and vomiting STILL at 19 weeks. The previous pregnancies I knew they were boys. I hoped ALWAYS for a daughter at some point, but with each of them I had a moment (before it was confirmed) that I clearly knew they were boys. This pregnancy differed because I didn't have that moment, ever. I prayed about it, did tons of soul searching, and everything felt so oddly different to me. I let myself get excited. This could finally be it! As usual, everyone around me thought it was a girl, everyone always thinks a mom of one gender is having the other- I'm used to it. There was such much hype built up when we found out, so much anticipation.
When we found out it was a boy, it was SUCH a surprise. I was speechless. The ultrasound was not the clearest one I've ever had, to say the least. My midwife reviewed it the following week and said that she thought it was too early and that we still had a 50/50 shot on the gender. I lived in limbo for several weeks, wondering, analyzing every bit of my pregnancy. Trying to find the intuition I had with my others. I have come to the conclusion that my intuition is now completely clouded by my desires for a daughter and can no longer be trusted.
It was yesterday that I felt able to connect and accept that this is another son. I got to see for myself on the ultrasound. He was bigger and more developed on the ultrasound and he was 100% without a doubt- a boy. The second the wand hit my stomach, I saw it immediately. That moment, I felt nothing but peace. I felt relieved to know for sure. Watching him on the screen helped me feel bonded finally and I was happy to have that feeling. I was doing great.
Until the moment that I realized that the end of my baby days are near. A little over a year ago, I was THREE kids away from my limit. Now I am one child away from my limit. I have one try left. One. I have five children of one gender, I have ONE try left. Obviously one compared to five is nothing. The moment that realization set in, the tears arrived and haven't stopped. This is the gender disappointment. I am not disappointed in my new son, just as I am not disappointed with ANY of his brothers. They have each brought a different personality to our family, they have each brought a different kind of joy, and I adore them each for the individuals they are. THAT is the thing that I think people don't understand about gender disappointment. It's not a disappointment in a particular child, it's a feeling of loss for the child of the other gender that does not exist and will never exist. It's a dream that you cannot reach no matter how hard you try. It's not something that you can study for, work hard for, or save money for like other dreams. It's a lifelong dream that feels like it will never be fulfilled. An empty place in your heart that you can't fill. The loss of a relationship you've hoped for. It's watching everyone else around you have their dream fulfilled and wondering why you can't too. It's looking at the little girls around you in dance and gymnastics, getting into their mom's makeup, cutting off their hair, drag a baby doll around, dance around the house in tutu's or playing dress up in their mom's shoes and knowing a daughter of yours will never do those things. It's the room you can't ever paint pink, the dresses and hair bows you can never buy, it's the mother-daughter mani/pedi dates that will never happen. And worst of all, it's seeing the stories about little girls abused and mistreated, and wondering WHY on earth those people were given girls, because if you had one, she would never know that kind of pain. That's gender disappointment.
So why is it that people bash others for that disappointment? I truly think they don't understand. They try to tell stories about other people's grief, which is clearly worse than gender disappointment. I'm here to say: it's not a contest. Pain is pain. Everyone around you is fighting a battle or going through a trial that other people may not see or understand.
For me, it has finally come. I have been so incredibly blessed beyond measure. I have not had the easiest roads in life, but then again- who has? Things have been hard, I've had to work hard, and fight for my beliefs and for my family. I had three sons by the time I was barely 23 years old. With each addition I was elated to be a mom. I longed for a daughter, but I knew I had time. One failed marriage later I wasn't sure I would ever have more children. For a few years I started to wonder if I was destined to be alone, I started to seriously doubt that the person I sought was actually out there, I started to think my desires were too far fetched. That he didn't exist. I focused on being a strong independent mother to three sons. I got myself into school and made it a priority to better myself and be a good example to them. I found the church, and made HUGE life changes, and right around the time that I felt like the best version of me, striving hard for my family, I met him. He changed my life in so many ways, and I couldn't imagine life without him. My husband is the person I was searching for, that I thought I would never find. He was every expectation that I was told was not attainable, and we were meant to find each other. I hadn't put much thought into the children we would have together, I just knew we wanted to wait until I was graduated from school before having them. Those might have been OUR plans, but those weren't the plans FOR us. In November we were joined by my fourth son. When I learned he was a boy, there was a smile on my face. There was no surprise, there was no sadness. He may have been my fourth, but he was Jason's first child biologically, and although he didn't have a preference, I was glad for him that he had a son. Declan tied our "mixed" family together. When I look at him, I see each of us reflected back. I see features of each of his big brothers, I see Jason's outgoing personality and expressions, and I see my eyes staring back at me. He is all of us. With him in our lives, I felt content. I have always had a certain number of children I felt I would have, and I was not yet to that number, so the thought of a daughter was completely out of my mind.
Then came a surprise on the 2nd of March. Declan was only 3.5 months old. I was suddenly very weapy. I wasn't feeling well. I was exhausted again. Impossible. Right? I went to the store for a test, and knew it would be negative. It was all in my head. There was no way I was pregnant again. Got home and took it, that line showed up so fast. Took a digital, a few minutes later the screen displayed "pregnant". My head was spinning. We were going to have ANOTHER baby. We had been married just less about 13 months, and we were already pregnant with our second. How could this be? Eventually the shock subsided (slightly) and I began to accept it. My first ultrasound revealed my due date as Declan's first birthday. All I could do was laugh. What else can a girl do?
This is has been my quickest pregnancy. It's a blur already. I have never been so sick in my life, so I've literally gained only two pounds at nearly the half way point. With my other pregnancies I gained 15 pounds in the first trimester alone, easily over 20 at this stage in the game. I got sick with Declan, but with the other boys it was just mild nausea and occasional vomiting a few times, it was completely gone by 12 weeks with all of them though. This pregnancy I spend 3-4 days a week nauseous beyond belief and vomiting STILL at 19 weeks. The previous pregnancies I knew they were boys. I hoped ALWAYS for a daughter at some point, but with each of them I had a moment (before it was confirmed) that I clearly knew they were boys. This pregnancy differed because I didn't have that moment, ever. I prayed about it, did tons of soul searching, and everything felt so oddly different to me. I let myself get excited. This could finally be it! As usual, everyone around me thought it was a girl, everyone always thinks a mom of one gender is having the other- I'm used to it. There was such much hype built up when we found out, so much anticipation.
When we found out it was a boy, it was SUCH a surprise. I was speechless. The ultrasound was not the clearest one I've ever had, to say the least. My midwife reviewed it the following week and said that she thought it was too early and that we still had a 50/50 shot on the gender. I lived in limbo for several weeks, wondering, analyzing every bit of my pregnancy. Trying to find the intuition I had with my others. I have come to the conclusion that my intuition is now completely clouded by my desires for a daughter and can no longer be trusted.
It was yesterday that I felt able to connect and accept that this is another son. I got to see for myself on the ultrasound. He was bigger and more developed on the ultrasound and he was 100% without a doubt- a boy. The second the wand hit my stomach, I saw it immediately. That moment, I felt nothing but peace. I felt relieved to know for sure. Watching him on the screen helped me feel bonded finally and I was happy to have that feeling. I was doing great.
Until the moment that I realized that the end of my baby days are near. A little over a year ago, I was THREE kids away from my limit. Now I am one child away from my limit. I have one try left. One. I have five children of one gender, I have ONE try left. Obviously one compared to five is nothing. The moment that realization set in, the tears arrived and haven't stopped. This is the gender disappointment. I am not disappointed in my new son, just as I am not disappointed with ANY of his brothers. They have each brought a different personality to our family, they have each brought a different kind of joy, and I adore them each for the individuals they are. THAT is the thing that I think people don't understand about gender disappointment. It's not a disappointment in a particular child, it's a feeling of loss for the child of the other gender that does not exist and will never exist. It's a dream that you cannot reach no matter how hard you try. It's not something that you can study for, work hard for, or save money for like other dreams. It's a lifelong dream that feels like it will never be fulfilled. An empty place in your heart that you can't fill. The loss of a relationship you've hoped for. It's watching everyone else around you have their dream fulfilled and wondering why you can't too. It's looking at the little girls around you in dance and gymnastics, getting into their mom's makeup, cutting off their hair, drag a baby doll around, dance around the house in tutu's or playing dress up in their mom's shoes and knowing a daughter of yours will never do those things. It's the room you can't ever paint pink, the dresses and hair bows you can never buy, it's the mother-daughter mani/pedi dates that will never happen. And worst of all, it's seeing the stories about little girls abused and mistreated, and wondering WHY on earth those people were given girls, because if you had one, she would never know that kind of pain. That's gender disappointment.
So why is it that people bash others for that disappointment? I truly think they don't understand. They try to tell stories about other people's grief, which is clearly worse than gender disappointment. I'm here to say: it's not a contest. Pain is pain. Everyone around you is fighting a battle or going through a trial that other people may not see or understand.
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